Thursday, December 4, 2014

The dreaded "O"


Even as I begin typing this post my heart cringes.


I don't want to be convicted. I don't want to be reminded of my selfish, self-absorbed ways. I'd rather not go there.

And yet...

That's where I'm going.

I need to. If I'm honest with myself, which means I have to slow down enough to actually take a peek inside this heart of mine, I'll see areas that well, aren't so pretty. In fact, they're downright ugly.

There's work to be done on this soul. So much that needs a good swift kick in the seat of the pants, sweep it off the porch, clean out the attic and dust the cobwebs outta my life sort of cleaning. Oh! And while we're at it, bleach my be good at this point.

On the outside I tend to go through the daily motions. Everything looks clean and tidy. But on the inside that's a whole different dirty, messed up area. One that needs the hand of grace to wipe it clean.

Thankfully God is good at cleaning up messes, giving fresh starts and new beginnings.
But once His hand touches my life, what then?

I'm on the right track, everything is back on the straight and narrow and then in walks Old Mrs. Bad Habits and the ugly cycle starts up again. I fall back into the trap of wanting my own way, doing things my way, calling the shots in my life without ever taking one second to find out, “Hey Lord, what do you want from my life?”

I'm convinced that the reason I don't take the time to talk to God about His goals and plans for my life is simple. It takes obedience on my part.

Ya know, that good old follow thru behavior. Setting aside my wants and actually seeking out God, having a heart to heart with Him and really listening and... oooh, here it comes...that “O” word, obeying.

Now here's something you don't know about me. This writing gig, I love it. I love to write. I've got journals left and right stacked in piles where I've filled them with all my hopes, dreams, frustrations and worries. My prayers, my tears, of joy and of sorrow, all captured on paper.


That's not what God's been asking me to do.

He's the One asking me to step out in faith, follow His direction and put my heart out there in cyber world.


For years...yes, years, I've made every excuse under the sun and known to man about why I shouldn't.

And the bottom line is, I was, and am afraid. Scared to death.

Writing privately in a journal, I can guarantee no one ever sees it. But writing, posting everything online that's a completely different story.

So I dragged my feet. Whined about it endlessly and gave some rather good arguments about why I was NOT His girl to do this.

I'm not educated. I barely have any working knowledge of a computer. I don't really have much to say.”

The excuses were endless.

And yet God never stopped calling me to write and share.

Obedience is hard especially for a stubborn, fearful person like myself.

I wish I could say blogging is easy for me. It's not. I feel like when it comes to blogging I'm standing at the foot of Mt. Kilimanjaro wearing flip flops and shorts and God's asking me to climb that mountain.

But obedience, especially when it comes to God isn't about what we think we need or our skills or the end result, it really is a matter of trust.

Putting our faith on the line, stepping up to the plate, swallowing our pride, pushing aside all the negatives and grabbing hold of His hand and saying, “Ok God, I'm your girl, let's go!”

So that's where I'm at. My knees are shaking. I'm a bundle of whacked out nerves and I'm on the verge of tears. I haven't a clue why the good Lord is asking me to do this. But He is.

And just because He is asking me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that our God is good, I'm holding onto His hand and stepping out in faith.

One step at a time.

One post.

One small act of obedience that will change my life and my walk with Him forever.

Blessings and best wishes,

 photo signature_zpsb12c9ce6.png

No comments:

Post a Comment